chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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