I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
