You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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