I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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