I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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