im about as happy as oj after his trial
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize