I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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