I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
