Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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