i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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