so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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