so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize