I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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