i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
this boner is exhausting
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
