Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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