Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
PANTIES FOUND
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