Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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