I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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