Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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