Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
