Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize