Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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