We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
