can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
