Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
