Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
