I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Randomize