'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
