At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
