I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
