What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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