If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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