This is not my ceiling
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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