I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
