From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
