There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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