Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
