everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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