My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
