In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
