I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
