I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
