We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
