so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
