i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
