A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
