What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
