i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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