She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
