I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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