I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
