I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
