Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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