Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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