Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
