I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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