As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
