I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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