there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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