My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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