so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
