Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
