Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize