watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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