my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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